is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
