can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
