I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
