I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
