why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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