woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
