Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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