I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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