Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize