im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
So vagazzling was a success
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
