Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
That was an excessively violent trivia night
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
