Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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