I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
how drunk are you?
Several
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
