My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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