so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
