my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I need a beard to bite.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
