so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
