Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
that is very illegal...i love you.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
