I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
