Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
