im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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