Where is the hickey?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
