Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
