***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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