I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
