Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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