Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
