paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
