I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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