Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
