I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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