Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
