alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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