Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
