I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
