it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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