Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
