Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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