Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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