I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
