Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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