Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
