I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
