Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Randomize
