3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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