it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
