My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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