We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
