i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
