im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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