Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I smell stomach acid.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
