So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
