i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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