my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
