My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
