I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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