im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
