im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
