Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Randomize
