3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
