Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
