This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
